Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
