I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
