did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
