Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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