if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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