I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
