thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
