All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
