how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
