I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
