Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
