I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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