Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
