yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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