He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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