i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
