I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
