My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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