please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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