my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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