We named our party play list daddy issues
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
