On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
