he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
