When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
