do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
