I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
