my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
