Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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