an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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