Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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