I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
