Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
