At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
