Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
