my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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