Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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