So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
