I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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