I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
