I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
