she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
