He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
