Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
