I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
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It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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