I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
