i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
