Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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