What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
