I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
