I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
