When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
