I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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