I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
