Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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