Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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