I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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