She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
