If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
