I cannot find my penis.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
