im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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